Things I Hate About Metro

Let's be honest: Washington, DC's metro system is just super, for the most part. There are many places in the world where people don't even have a sewer system, but here we have access to a maze of trains and buses that can get a person from Alexandria, VA to Baltimore-Washington International airport for about $5. I think that's pretty awesome. (Especially because taking a taxi will cost you about $70 -- maybe even more with gas prices and taxi surcharges these days!) And what's more awesome is that I get money every month from the federal government to take metro so that my ass doesn't contribute to the already massively clogged roadways around the area. (I tried to drive home from work once last week and almost had a stroke, I was so irritated with traffic. See Blog #1.) But as (mostly) convenient the metro is, there are many things about it that drive me freakin NUTS.

1.) People who have those goddamn rolling backpacks.

Okay, I totally understand that it's much better for your back to not actually wear a heavy backpack on your back, despite the name BACKPACK. But people pulling these contraptions at an arm's length behind them are actually taking up much more room than any one person, save someone in a wheelchair, should. Come to think of it, people in wheelchairs don't even take up as much space as these bag-dragging bastards. When the train's coming to a stop, everyone gathers at the doors. As soon as they open, we start streaming out -- and don't I always get stuck behind the jerk with the rolly-bag whom I proceed to trip over every time. Come...on! MOVE! GO! Get your fucking bag out of my way, you lazy jerk!

2.) Those assholes that crowd the doors at all times.

Okay, I know you want to get off the train first, but so does everyone else. If you would just move your big fat butt to the center of the train, people could get on and off a lot faster. I even wrote a little note bitching about this to the Express newspaper that we get for free each morning (it's a mini-Washington Post), and they published it (after taking editorial liberties with it, to my surprise). But apparently the people who stand in the doorways didn't read my note and therefore, still selfishly block everyone else getting in and out of the metro car. Well to those people: I hope you're reading my blog today! NOW STOP STANDING IN THE FUCKING DOORWAY!!!!

3.) The morons that stand right on the platform in front of the train doors.

When the train doors open, there's always gotta be some person who's completely oblivious to the fact that when those train doors open, 25 people need to actually GET OFF THE TRAIN. And yes, you're right in their goddamn way. I know you haven't had your morning coffee yet, but unless you're literally sleepwalking, I think you should be able to figure this one out. Open your eyes and get the hell out of the way!!!

4.) The escalators.

Metro came up with a new vocabulary for readers recently to try to inform riders of polite metro etiquette while still trying to be humorous. Examples for my complaints above: doorker (dor-ker) n. person who crowds or blocks Metro doors, making it difficult for others to exit or enter promptly. Hilarious. But the one that the Express noted from someone else's blog (which I can't seem to find) is this one, which is right on:
escalator (es-kuh-la-tor) n. stairs.
I get on and off the metro each day at Union Station for work - which is a major hub within the city. Commuter trains from Maryland and Virginia stop here, as well as Amtrak trains, plus metro. It's right by the Capitol. In other words, A LOT of people use this station. At each end of the platform, there's just one escalator going up and one going down. On the end I use to exit the station, one escalator has been out of service for nearly a week and I have not seen anyone working on fixing it EVER. It's completely dismantled and looks like they've decided to turn it into a parts shop or something instead. So now everyone has to file into a single file line to go up the one side of the "working" escalator, while people are marching down the other half of it. I'm just waiting for the day when I trip while walking down this "escalator," causing an avalance of people to tumble one on top of another, creating a pile of injured, pissed off people who will probably dig me out and throw me in front of the next incoming train.

5.) Metro drivers who brake like they're playing a game to see how long it takes to make me vomit all over my hot pink purse.

Anyone who has ever driven with me knows that I HATE when people repeatedly ease on and off the brakes when coming to a stop. It makes me nauseous and it's totally unnecessary. NEWSFLASH TO ALL METRO DRIVERS: Consistent, increasing pressure on the brakes will also bring your vehicle, whether it's a train or a bus, to a complete stop. And if you can't handle that, you're going to have to clean up my puke from the lovely orange carpeted floors in Car #6. Your choice.